Grief is a necessary part of human life. Grief comes to us as we mourn the loss of a loved one to death, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a lifestyle, the loss of a prized possession or the loss of a job. How we handle grief is what matters. Do we take our pain and loss and become bitter or better about it?
This has been a year of deep grief for me and my family. At first it was the loss of a job I dearly loved. A month later I left my middle son at an airport hotel as he departed for a nine month journey around the world. I had been with him nearly every day for nineteen plus years and the pain of not having him in my life for so long was deep. A few weeks later my husband’s project came to a close and there was no work for him in the department. He was unemployed. We lost two incomes and we said good-bye to a child…how could we handle more?
November and December came and went and no one responded to the many applications my husband sent out around the IT world. The new year brought few interviews, lots of calls and false promises, but no job. The one offer he received was rescinded the day he was to fly out of town for training. This was devastating and heartbreaking. Every day for nearly a year, I have watched my husband suffer with great courage and an amazing attitude.
As he suffered the want of a job, I suffered the loss of mine. My leaving was right but hard. I went through the stages of grief and a year later still lament the loss. It is hard as I continue to fight sadness with anger and depression. What is worse is that in this journey I have also hurt those I love, which tears my heart to pieces. In my anger and sadness I have incurred collateral damage and hurt my children. Two have suffered silently (until now) and one has suffered vocally and has offered hurt back to me. This was not my desire at all. Being hurt was enough, knowing that I hurt others puts me over the edge.
I share this with you, the reader, because I have a choice to make. I have repented to my God and children and now have to move forward. I can choose to move forward with bitterness or I can make a choice to make our lives better. Bitterness beckons like a siren, but I don’t want to listen to her luring song. Better stands firm with a gentle hand outstretched to take hold of mine. She doesn’t push but waits for me to decide. She understands my desire to take hold of her hand and the desire to hold on to the pain that has become my constant companion.
I am going to choose Better. I know this will not be easy as I am reminded often of what I lost. I will trust God to help heal my wounds and the wounds of those I have hurt. I move forward in confidence of my God’s forgiveness and His healing in this situation and in all of life.